zakboy
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« Reply #120 on: June 24, 2011, 06:51:40 AM » |
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Baptising a drunk!
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water, then pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the man in water again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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WAYNE999
Sr. Member
Karma: 12
Posts: 462
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« Reply #121 on: June 24, 2011, 12:06:40 PM » |
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paddy sees murphy sat in a rowing boat in the middle of a field and shouts"murphy what you doing in that boat". murphey replies "im going for a little row" paddy says "you idiot its people like you that give the irish a bad name and if i could swim id come over there punch you in the mouth"
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Oh bugger we need a bigger hammer
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zakboy
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« Reply #122 on: June 24, 2011, 12:27:13 PM » |
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that ones already hear wayne, its geting hard to find new ones now but keep them coming, im having to scrape the bottom of the barrel now to find any that make me smile
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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spanners
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« Reply #123 on: June 24, 2011, 01:35:52 PM » |
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LIVE FAST and DIE YOUNG,, past 50 AND STILL HERE NOW. WAITING. FOR. THE. GRIM. REAPER
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kevsky
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« Reply #124 on: June 24, 2011, 01:58:03 PM » |
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ok you guys seem to be knocking ethnic minorities on this thread ,so ever the champion of the underdog I thinks it's about time you realised that you/we are not so superior just take alook at what a village in north norfolk as to offer
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reality sucks thank god for religion
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kevsky
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« Reply #125 on: June 24, 2011, 01:59:44 PM » |
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I suppose this one aplies to us all in many ways
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reality sucks thank god for religion
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spanners
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« Reply #126 on: June 24, 2011, 02:08:03 PM » |
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that reminds me of the pub/hotel in ashbourne derbyshire the green man & blacks head i think its still there with the same name
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LIVE FAST and DIE YOUNG,, past 50 AND STILL HERE NOW. WAITING. FOR. THE. GRIM. REAPER
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zakboy
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« Reply #127 on: June 24, 2011, 03:04:00 PM » |
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well i hope things start and inprove for you soon my frend,its no joke when your in pain and the doc cant sort it out for you.all the best zak
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #128 on: June 24, 2011, 03:28:33 PM » |
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What do you call a French/Muslim suicide bomber in a carpet warehouse?
Linoleum Blownapart
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #129 on: June 24, 2011, 03:49:53 PM » |
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Cannibal walking through the jungle comes across his best mate crying his eyes out over a huge pile of sh-t.
'What's up he asked?'
'Just dumped my girl friend' his mate replied.
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #130 on: June 24, 2011, 04:00:10 PM » |
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THE HORSE RACE The Line up: In lane 1. Passionate Lady In lane 2. Bare Belly In lane 3. Silk Panties In lane 4. Conscience In lane 5. Jockey Shorts In lane 6. Clean Sheets In lane 7. Thighs In lane 8. Big Dick In lane 9. Heavy Bosom In lane 10. Merry Cherry
AND THEY'RE OFF!!! Conscience is left behind at the gate. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.
AT THE HALFWAY MARK: It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is pushing in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.
AT THE STRETCH: Merry Cherry pops under the strain. Bare Belly is making a final push. Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming.
AT THE FINISH: Its Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head... Bare Belly slows, Thighs weakens, Heavy Bosom pulls up, and Clean Sheets never had a chance.
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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zakboy
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« Reply #131 on: June 24, 2011, 04:08:18 PM » |
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An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for the last two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the man tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life".
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a 4,000,000 bank account.
If it's twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You sh-g her again."
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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klogan45
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« Reply #132 on: June 24, 2011, 10:51:54 PM » |
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There's a road in Exeter called Blackboy road. Don't know where the name came from though. (You can google it just in case you don't believe me )
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« Last Edit: June 25, 2011, 10:53:11 AM by klogan45 »
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Confucius say woman who flies upside down has crack up!
He who holds The Angle Grinder of Destiny holds the fate of bikekind in his hands.
Where did that 13mm spanner go then?
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klogan45
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« Reply #133 on: June 24, 2011, 10:58:16 PM » |
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The binman knocked on the door of a house and asked the owner, who was coloured "Where's yer bin' "I'se bin in the garden" was the reply. The binman said " No,...where's yer bin" "I told you man, i'se bin in the garden" The binman was getting more and more frustrated so he did what all good brits do when trying to make foreigners understand them he raised his voice and said " Where's yer wheelie bin" "Ok, ok, I'se wheelie bin upstairs having a w*nk"
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Confucius say woman who flies upside down has crack up!
He who holds The Angle Grinder of Destiny holds the fate of bikekind in his hands.
Where did that 13mm spanner go then?
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zakboy
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« Reply #134 on: June 25, 2011, 01:21:53 AM » |
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ok you guys seem to be knocking ethnic minorities on this thread ,so ever the champion of the underdog I thinks it's about time you realised that you/we are not so superior just take alook at what a village in north norfolk as to offer
hadn't heard these three before,...but did get a call off Stevie wonder about them who said he just could not see the funny side,.... would like to point out i do apologies if i have offended any ethnic group........ by not giving you a mention in the thread so far, but will try my best to get round to all ethnic groups at some point, i do so hate to be showing favoritism.
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« Last Edit: June 25, 2011, 06:51:03 AM by zakboy »
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Give me the strength to except the things in life i can not change
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